When I was 15, I made a list of “100 things I want to do before I die.” I can’t recall what prompted me to create such a list at that time in my life but I still have it tucked away in an old journal as a way to honor my younger naivety. This list had wildly unrealistic things like “race in the tour de France” (even though I was prone to hitting trees and falling over in front of traffic whenever I was on a bike), “open up a bakery in France” (me and France go way back apparently) and “lose 50 pounds.” Admittedly, I am a lofty gal and I do love that about myself. Was I just learning the power of manifestation early? Maybe. But I also think I was under the impression that I needed to start mapping everything out in my life in order to have control. If I wanted things to happen, I needed to always always always write it down first, otherwise I couldn’t trust myself not to stray off into the wrong direction. Looking back I think this might have been the beginnings of trying to manage what I didn’t know was anxiety. I was also struggling very much with body image and was already well into many years of disordered eating and trying desperately to change my appearance. Writing down everything I wanted to do and how precisely I was going to do it gave me a false sense of safety - if I just do what’s on the list, all will be well.
Fast forward 30 years and I am still a “head in the clouds” dreamer who will spend hours - literally hours - planning trips that I intend to take a decade from now. The problem is, I also spend hours creating long drawn-out lists and guides for pretty much every part of my life - health, finances, travel, relationships, you name it. In many ways this gives me great satisfaction and that dreamer part of me feels hopeful and excited. Writing lists hasn’t been only about control - it has inspired ideas and given me an outlet and created a lot of growth in my life. But, lately, it has started to feel like I am controlled by my desire to have control…..if that makes sense.
I sometimes feel confused by myself as a human (you’re probably confused about me as a human too after reading this!) - I feel like my brain is very type A - I thrive on planning and structure and having all of my i’s dotted and my t’s crossed. Ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that I absolutely love to plan things. My soul, however, feels a bit wild and that part of me, as I get older, is shoving my brain towards seeing the beauty in letting go of the intense striving and control. The visual I have is me driving a very organized bus with an itinerary that I don’t feel I can sway from because I planned it all out damn it! I am gripping that wheel so tightly and even though I get immense satisfaction when those plans go just as I hoped, my soul is in the back of the bus just shaking her head. I think I am beginning to understand that if I live life on life’s terms and release some of the need to plan everything, life will still be ok - even good. Life will still be safe. The idea of living this way feels very unnerving, but also liberating. If I let go of my perceived control by not planning every single detail, surely my life will implode, right? Surely I will fail at literally every single thing if it’s not on the list? This is the year I’m going to find out.
I know many people loathe New Year’s Resolutions. Me? I adore them! I start writing mine months before the end of the year. They are elaborate with many bells and whistles. This year, as I was writing my “would be” 2025 resolutions, it dawned on me. I was working on page 28 (yep, you read that correctly) when I decided that perhaps there is a bigger lesson here that I need to learn. A bigger, ahem, problem? Sigh. The thing is, I generally meet about 80% of my resolutions (not too shabby?!). Oh the dopamine! My brain says “heck yeah! Woot woot! Give yourself a pat on the back for making it!” It feels very much about the destination. Even though I definitely can reflect on all the growth and good things that came with the journey, I know in my heart I am still way too focused on the end game and crossing accomplishments off my list. I don’t know if it’s mid-life wisdom or maybe I’m just feeling exhausted by these processes of how I typically hold myself accountable but my soul is really craving a more untethered experience with enjoyment of the journey for a change. My intuition is frantically waving to me - reminding me that I’m actually pretty in touch and use that gift every single day to help other people. I’m in the moment with them, really listening and tuning in and offering feedback that comes directly from my heart. It’s time for me to tune in to that inner GPS and throw away the 25 pages from mapquest that I have been clinging to. I want to mix things up a little bit. I want room to stop and smell the roses or to change course into a completely different direction. Do you know how hard that is for a person with anxiety who already made a million very extensive lists??! You can’t change course! That is some serious breaching of the rules and can I really trust myself to do that?! I read something recently (I think it was a post someone wrote about grief) where a woman was talking about how you might get on a plane that is supposed to be headed to Paris (there I go with France again). You’ve packed your bags for Paris, your boarding pass says Paris, your itinerary is planned down to the minute….for Paris. When the plane lands the pilot says “Welcome to Madagascar!” What becomes of you in that moment? How adaptable can you be? I am seeing a need to bend, so I don’t break. Letting go of the excessive lists is really a metaphor for me letting go of so much more. I want to be able to arrive in a different spot than I had planned and see all the potential, all the unexpected beauty and, most of all, to feel like I can course correct and not fall apart.
2025 is going to be an experiment for me. I am throwing (perceived) caution to the wind and I’m going to try to fully embrace what life has to offer each day. That does not mean I don’t have goals - I’m just going to try hard to release the need to plan every single detail of how I’m going to reach those goals - or - I’m going to find a different (ie: healthier) way to manifest those things for myself. This year is going to (hopefully) be about the journey. Isn’t it Miley who says “It’s the climb?” That girl knows what she’s singing about.
When I’m done writing this post, I’m going to put on my brave extra big girl panties and I’m going to delete the 28 pages of resolutions I made (maybe taps will be playing in the background?). I hope that if you’re an intense list maker/planner such as myself, you might consider the benefits of experimenting with taking a break from the need to plan out every single thing. “Living life on life’s terms” is a phrase commonly heard in 12 step recovery communities and literature. It’s about accepting life as it actually comes, not as you think it should or as you’ve planned for it to. It’s about adapting and being flexible and having enough self-trust and accountability to make choices in the moment based on what is actually happening. Those are all things I struggle with and I dare say for anyone else out there who has a history of eating disorder, addiction, anxiety or trauma - feeling secure with the flow of life can be really freaking hard. Learning to live life as it comes requires a deep connection to ourselves and a belief that we can have our own backs. The endless lists have been a security blanket for me over the years but as we know, security blankets aren’t always going to be there for us - how amazing to feel like we can show up for ourselves in any situation without having to consult anything other than yourself in that moment.
So, for the sake of one last hoorah, I’m going to make one final list this year:
This is what I hope “Living Life on life’s terms” looks like related to resolutions and life lists:
Building self-trust. Believing that I can wake up every day and do the things I need and want to do to enjoy and be well in my life- I don’t want to have to consult a list for that.
Seeing growth and accomplishment in the day to day, rather than from crossing something off a list.
Using my writing for positive growth - I do enjoy writing every day and I still plan to journal and make lists for “thoughts” but if it feels like I’m trying to set something in stone, I will be cautious.
Reconnecting with my intuition every single day - listening to what I truly need and want in that moment depending on the current circumstances instead of consulting a list that some previous version of myself wrote.
Freedom and liberation from the stress and anxiety of the tremendous amount of pressure and expectation that I was placing on myself to meet so many checkpoints each day/month/year without accounting for the things that happen in life (illness, grief, broken appliances, injuries, etc.).
Examining this part of myself that is desperately seeking control and seeing this next step as part of my own recovery journey.
Taking steps to make sure that I am balancing my love of planning and dreaming (because I don’t want to forgo that part of myself) while also surrendering to life as it happens. I hope to become a very adaptable and flexible planner 🙂
Being curious about how I will get those hits of dopamine and feelings of “yeah, I did it!” without having resolutions or lists to check off. The dependency on succeeding to feel good feels toxic to me at this point.
Enjoy documenting life as it happens, rather than planning for it in advance. I am so grateful for photos and journals - having memories to hold on to in tough times is instrumental for me. If I am not spending all of my time looking towards the finish line, I think I will really enjoy documenting and just taking in the surprising parts of the journey.
I plan to share throughout the year how this new adventure is going for me. I do feel like it’s going to take me some time to get my sea-legs and maybe by next year I will be like “oh my god I needed the lists!” but I certainly hope not. Cheers to trying new things in the new year. Whether you have resolutions or lists or vision boards or nothing but hope in your heart for the year to come, I am sending you all a high five that we made it through another year and you don’t need anything crossed off a list to validate your success!
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