If you're a parent of a teenager or young adult, you probably understand my reference to Bikini Bottom. If not, well, I think you've perhaps missed out on many hilarious moments of wisdom from SpongeBob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs. True icons! I'm not going to lie, I've had many moments where I continued to watch episodes, long after my son lost interest - it's that good. But I digress - I'm here to reflect on some of the lessons I've learned as a parent thus far and for some odd reason, everything was coming to me in nautical inspired ways and I was totally envisioning Bikini Bottom. (I don't have an explanation for my weird brain. Just go with it.). Here are the thoughts that came to me. Maybe some will resonate for you, too. Please take everything with a grain of salt - these are simply "my" truths and may not be yours.
Be an anchor. When our kids come to us with big feelings and emotions, it's easy to feel what they feel. Our empathy meter is likely to go through the roof because we just love them so damn much. We might find that we're suddenly having an emotional reaction to THEIR emotional reaction! I'd like to think that our kids open up to us so we can be an anchor in the choppy water - to help steady them, not so we can hop on their boat with them and make it sink. I have had instances in my past where my emotions would escalate to high levels of anxiety and my immediate need would be to "fix" whatever my son was feeling. His feelings suddenly became about my fears and, boom, I've lost sight of everything and I've just taught him that any "negative" emotion or experience is something to be feared and something his Mom can't handle. I've plopped my emotional reactions right into his lap. Being an anchor means we stay centered within ourselves. We offer empathy, compassion and a rock solid place for our kids to land when their troubles are too much for them to bare. We don't project our fears onto them. It took me a long time to realize that I was doing this when my son was expressing anything other than sunshine and roses. If you have been there with me, don't despair. Parenting is darn hard work! It's important for us to find tools to stay grounded and self-regulated so we CAN be that anchor for our kids.
Be a lighthouse. As our kids get older, they sail a bit further and further away from us because that is what is supposed to happen as they gain more independence. They may not want to spend ALL their time with us anymore. They may be gone more and more due to school, work, and extracurricular commitments. You might feel like they are even pushing you away or becoming harder to reach. Be a lighthouse. The beacon of light (you) is dependably in the same place forever and ever. It is ALWAYS there, shining in the darkest and murkiest of nights. It is so reliable that even if someone is super far out to sea, they might still be able to catch a glimpse of that beckoning light to help guide them back safely. The coordinates of the lighthouse never change. Even if your teen has pulled away a bit and wants to spend less time with you, them knowing that you are always there is HUGE. Telling your teenager "Even if you don't want to talk to me about this, I'm always here if you change your mind" means a lot more than we may know. It keeps the doorway open. Sometimes parents might pull away in return because they feel hurt or slighted by their teen pulling away. This is another gentle reminder that our teens behavior is not likely personal and if WE pull away in return, they may feel that they can't turn to us when things get rough. Stay put, keep the light on and trust that they will find their way to you in tough times. If you have a wounded inner child, this one can be particularly tough, especially if we are responding from that rejected place inside ourselves, rather than from our adult space. Our wounded child says "my kid doesn't love me anymore so why should I keep trying!" but our adult parent says "this is the normal and healthy growth that needs to happen for my child to become independent and they may say or do some hurtful things and it's not about me. Yeah!" (Please note that I am not talking about a total detachment - that is certainly cause for concern. I am also not talking about being an emotional punching bag for our kids. It's absolutely healthy and ok to have boundaries for yourself. I am talking about our kids growing up and seeking us out less and less for all the things.).
Don't be a barnacle. When my sister and I were kids, we used to cling onto my Dad in our swimming pool and chant "Barnacle!" It was our favorite game! The image of us holding onto him for dear life comes to mind. Let's not do that as parents. Give your kids some space. Teenagers shouldn't have to tell their parents EVERYTHING. The big stuff? The dangerous stuff? The sketchy stuff? The life changing stuff? Yes, we can have an expectation that if we've developed a healthy relationship with our kids over the years that they may be more likely to share those big things with us and we certainly can encourage that. But their inner most feelings? All the ins and outs with friends or school? Their most recent love interest? No, I don't think we should be privy to every single thing (unless they choose to disclose that to us and even then, make sure they are disclosing because they truly have a desire to, and not because they feel there is an expectation that they must share). If we give them some breathing room and trust that they will come to us for guidance if they want it, there is a good chance that will actually happen. If we go after them all the time, seeking information, using guilt (why won't you tell me??) asking a bazillion questions and making attempts to dig in where they want boundaries, it can backfire. This one is really hard sometimes because we can see potential consequences for our kids well before they can. We might feel that unless they share all, we may miss something big and their lives will fall apart. Of course that can happen and that is freaking scary but forcing our kids to give us every bit of information they hold within themselves isn't going to prevent that. Being a barnacle also has the potential to create enmeshment with our kids and can make them feel like they OWE their parent closeness. That can create a cycle of guilt or even secrecy, shame or parentification. Every human has the right to space, even our kids and teens. Having space does not equate to not having a close and loving relationship. As we know, boundaries make for great relationships.
Learn to get comfortable with drifting. Drifting is defined as "floating with the current or the wind." This is akin to "going with the flow." We can have all the hopes, dreams, expectations and desired outcomes in the world for our child and, Bikini Bottom News Alert, life sometimes has other plans. If we hold on too tightly to our own vision of who our children are, of how they should be, of what they should do or what they should achieve? We may be setting them and ourselves up for a lot of heartache. This is where we exercise unconditional love and trust. This is where we surrender a lot of our control and accept the "drift." Maybe you desperately wanted your offspring to be into sports and, instead, they take after Squidward and just really love playing the clarinet! Drift. Let go. Accept. Know that your vision of your child's life is just that, a vision, not reality. It's a beautiful thing to love who are kids are even if they ended up being drastically different versions of who we thought they'd be.
Allow them to be the captain of their own ship as much as possible. Isn't that what we are ultimately setting them up to do? You can co-captain from a safe distance until a certain point and then demote yourself to cabin crew (support system). Â Don't be too overzealous with tossing out the life rafts. They may not need it in the first place! One of the toughest fish bones to swallow has been that my behaviors, comments and thoughts can make or break how capable my son feels he is. When we try to force our kid (especially our teens) out of that captain position by taking over ("Are you sure you finished your homework?" "Make sure you say please and thank you!" "Did you remember to feed the dog?" "It's cold outside, are you sure you don't want to wear a coat?") we may be indirectly telling our kids that we don't believe in their ability to take care of themselves or tough situations in life. If we can't trust our kids enough to believe that they would actually best know if they are cold or warm, hungry or full, sad or happy, how on earth can we trust them to do much of anything? Our kids have a huge need to know that we believe them to be capable! This sort of goes back to our need to stay anchored. When we try to step into the captain role for our kids ALL THE TIME, we are basically saying "Move over, you don't know what you're doing and I need to take care of this for you." If we want our kids to become confident and self-assured we need to BELIEVE that they can do hard things and encourage them to walk through the hard stuff, not over-empathize, take pity on them or suggest that we do it for them instead. This is where our kids grow and we let go. Talk to a friend about your fears, not your child.
There you have it - while it is not easy for me to reflect on those parenting lessons that have not always been so smooth for me to adapt - acknowledging my errors in my thinking and owning mistakes that were really rooted in my own fears - it's important because "when you know better, you do better." My relationship with my teenage son is amazing. It's one of the things I am most proud of in this world and I believe it's because I have been a very willing student and will forever accept his constructive criticism and feedback and use it to do the deeper work to be a better parent. I get it - sometimes the stress of parenting can felt akin to Mrs. Puff trying to teach SpongeBob how to drive (and, oh god, that is coming soon in my world!). Being responsible for someone we love more than life itself and then learning to let go (over and over again) as they grow up is no easy feat. We don't have to be perfect, we just have to keep swimming! And if it all feels like too much, just feed them their favorite Krabby Patty and call it a day.
(One of my favorite photos of me and my son. It's truly reflective of my life as a Mom- being his co-captain and trying to hold it all together!)
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